Sucker Punch

It is another day in the world.. And it has taken me long enough to drag myself up to the computer and stretch my fingers over to the keys and across them to at least tap out a construction of a paragraph.... or two.. or three....

SuckerPunch: n.; adj. the moment a dream is rudely awakened into reality

Work is work. Life is life. . But what is love?... Some people don't like to discuss it. Some people enjoy mulling over the idea, while others constantly jump in head first and immerse themselves in it. I have a theory, and I am waiting to see it proven true. I propose that love is like a person: it has two sides to it; to understand it you must get to know and understand both sides before you can truly know it. There is a sad/evil/cruel side and there is a happy/good/compassionate side. And before you can really know just how wonderful the beautiful side is, you must acquaint yourself with the ugly side of it. Without one, the other cannot exist.

Up till now I have fished to the very bottom of the barrel of my soul and the world's soul to find "love." On the way down I passed some shiny apples, some gnarly apples, some sour apples, some sweet apples, some moldy apples, some abandoned apples that people had tasted and tossed aside to be picked at by desperate others only to be tossed aside again.... And I became acquainted and good friends with mostly the half eaten sticky cores. I stubbornly followed the optimism that there is good in everyone and I was determined to prove it. And yes, I still believe there is. However, I now realize, dragging my soul through the mud will not help those old gnarly moldy apples anymore than it will help my very own self. Faith is believing in things not seen, so maybe the whole time I've been trying to prove good exists in everything has been the wrong answer; maybe just having faith that it is there, deep within, regardless of whether anyone can prove it or not, is what I should have really been after.

I titled this post after the film Sucker Punch and I still have yet to mention anything about it. It is about a girl who had everything and lost everything: everything except for her soul and mind. But, her saving grace was finding a new purpose to live for after she found something worth dying for. On one level, I interpreted the characters all as individuals. But after pondering on it for a few weeks, I realize we have all those personalities inside of ourselves. We have the girl that has nothing to lose inside of us, protecting us and egging us on when we fear hurt or pain. We have that girl that ran away from home and ended up trapped with no way back. We all have so much potential and different possibilities and fate and memories speaking to us... And the most important decisions we make to shape our fate will be the hardest ones to decide: the decisions of letting go and sacrifice.

Whenever you come to a crossroads (and yes, here it comes, the crossroads speech....) you have to decide whether to turn right or left. One road usually leads to a scary undetermined path full of new sights and sounds that are unfamiliar, while the other holds no secrets, no fear... And it is this second path, devoid of fear and its brother hope that should be feared, because it is a shallow road that leaves many mere shells of the entire human they could and should be.

Do not be afraid to let go of the past..... Be afraid of not letting it go. Learn to let go of that girl that is numb and heartbroken. She has been there to protect the little girl in you this whole time and she is there to take the hit so that the innocent part of you is able escape and given the chance to grow again.

I suppose now that it's almost two in the morning I will get off my soap box and let you all continue snoring. goodnight.

Sucker Punch & Quills

Sucker Punch & Quills........

I finally propped myself up to blog. I am lounging with my feet up and contentedly tapping away at my keyboard. I may appear tired. And that is because I am dear readers. I have ended up closing at work every Sunday for the past three Sundays only to turn right around and open at 4 a.m. Thankfully this is the last week in that I have been given this detestable schedule; and, yes I am fully aware that "they can't schedule me that" lawfully...however, I am not up to fighting about it unless I am backed into a corner. And glancing around me, I am not in a corner at the moment. I am lounging...with my feet up... contentedly tapping away here on blogger.. That doesn't sound right. Moving on!

So! I had the pleasure of viewing some old and new movies recently which in entirement (did you see what I did there? Yea, that's right, I created a word there) include: Return to Oz, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Sucker Punch, and Quills. Return to Oz was a classic 80's film and for a woman that loves anything Wizard of Oz, what's NOT to love about this? The Rocky Horror Picture Show was ... definitely different. I could see its humor.... very weird though. I just have to ask... Tim Curry.... WTF? Why the Face?.... Susan Sarandon... Wow! That was a side I had never seen before, I'm used to her more "mature" roles like in Stepmom, but thinking about it that has been one of her more "tame" characters.... But, then, she never really plays "tame" women.. Oh! Nevermind. Anyway. So... Now. What I really want to blog about.... Sucker Punch and Quills. ..... And now it's time for me to get ready and go to work. But I Will Be Back(!) - thus quips the Katinator. Have a lovely day everyone. It's My Friday!!! Mwahahhahahahahahaha! Take that you evil fugly Monday!!!!

p.s. Yes, "Fear & Loathing.." I haven't forgotten about you. I will blog about you too, but you can't be put in a group discussion. You are definitely a blog All Your Own......

The Graduate; X-Men First Class; Mad Money..Donnie Darko...To Name a Few

Well, hello again, dear blogger. I have been completely and utterly neglecting you. I wish I could say I hadn't meant to... But I needed to organize my life a little. I'm glad you can forgive me.

With that out of the way! Here I am, still cracking jokes and punching things at work and mumbling cuss words at irritating customers... Oh, yes, alive and kicking! I half joked with a lady at work the other day and said, "I doooonnn'tt waaaa *sob* nnnnnttt to wooorrr *sob* kkkk!!!" She asked, "And who's going to take care of you?"... Now, in my head, I find it humorous to answer, "no one, I'll just shoot myself. *chesire grin*" Buuuut, no one else seems to think that's funny, and I can't say that I blame them. So, I just quipped, "Oh, I'll become a hobo with my little rat doggy and have a can begging for money on the side of the road."

I have to say, my thoughts these days are somewhat darker than normal, but I'm never going to apologize for them. I just may not voice them out loud in the moment, but then of course I'll hop onto blogger and shout them out to the world. Good plan, Katalin. Oh, yes, and I'll talk to myself. That's an even better plan.

Despite myself, good movies have managed to wander across my path or into my front yard and they have been a breath of inventive/creative fresh air. There have been so many movies I have not seen because of how I was raised and now that I am older, I have had the priviledge of viewing them. Example: The Graduate. I had heard the barest summary of it as a kid, "a college graduate has an affair with a married woman, and then gets with her daughter." Now... Out of context that seems a revolting plot to watch, interesting drama perhaps, but not something a generation would infamize*. (*and yes, I may have just created a word right there.. but deal with it.) However, upon finally gracing its cinematography with my very own eyeballs, I conclude that that miniscule summary does not summarize the film justly. I had never seen Dustin Hoffman as a young actor and it is always fascinating for me to see anyone I grew up with who was older than me, suddenly around my age in technical terms. Allow me to summarize more fairly: a confused young man is seduced by an older married woman who is friends with his family, but in time, he falls in love with her daughter and determines himself to marry her. There is nothing about this movie that doesn't win you over; I sympathized with his innocent/gullible character and cheered on his determination to get what he wanted. It was fantastic. The fact it is a movie from my parent's generation is another fact I enjoyed it so much. It seems that with some movies we are able to bridge generational gaps and share feelings that any generation can understand. *sigh of nostalgia*

I recently also got to see the movie Mad Money about three woman that decide to commandeer used money from the mint they work at. Aaaaah, yes, if only..... *sigh of resignation* One of my favorite lines is when Queen Latifah gets a phone call from Diane Keaton and she tells her, "Look, I don't want things I can't have.." Diane Keaton scoffs unbelievingly, "Do you live in America?!" Best line! hahaaa!!

Then I also got to see the newest X-men of the ongoing saga. I was reluctant to see it, afraid that that the new cast of actors would not be able to carry it well. I mean, come on! They have some big shoes to fill making this prequel! But despite my fears, it was a Freaking Awesome surprise. I love it when things I don't think are going to be good actually turn out to be great!!! Don't you just love that? I wish, not everything, but more things had that outcome. I know to have good, we have to have bad, but do we have to have sooo much bad?... Well, anyway. So, I have been pleasantly gorging myself on delightful movies popping up like dishes at the Hogwarts dining hall tables. ooooo!!! And I also got to see Donnie Darko! I now understand why people had a hard time describing it to me. Allow me: an emotionally troubled teen manages to dream/time travel the question "what if" the night a plane fuselage crashes into his bedroom and kills him. It also seems to say that whether we cheat death now or not, it will find us if it is our time to go.

Well, my language and grammar leaves something to be desired in this post, but meh... I have made a command decision blogging does not have to be about grammar or not about grammar. It's just about whatever the F*bleep* is running through my darn-cute little thought waves... Yea, see that one? It's Pink! *giggle* lalala And if you aren't convinced by the end of this I'm a weirdo, Hi! Glad you're a part of the club! Have an awesome day! I'll be investigating my next foray into the theater business. Woo-cha!

The Secret of Kells

It is a cool afternoon inside with the shades pulled over the open window. The breeze is gentle and soothing. The room is darkening as the afternoon waxes on. My mind is at peace finally, even if my body is not. I have books strewn at my side, as well as my journal and a pen. I am almost put to sleep by the peaceful atmosphere. And as I sit propped up on my bed, I am detachedly watching, well... more musing over the curious movie I am watching.

The Secret of Kells is a quiet movie, almost like an anime. There is much unsaid, and much to be seen. It is more a feast for the eyes than a well rounded course of script, plot, theme, etc. The plot is uncomplicated, but far from polished. It is about the nephew living with his uncle, the abbot of a monastery. He learns of a legendary manuscript that holds mythical powers of protection, that has not been finished being written. The priest that holds it in possession shows up at the monastery with the book after escaping the viking invaders. The nephew, Brendan, is curious of the book and develops a friendship with the priest, much to the chagrin of his uncle who does not support the mythical beliefs enshrined within the book. The priest needs special berries only to be found in the forest to make the ink to illustrate/continue writing the book with. Brendan ventures out for the first time on his own into the forest to find the berries. There in the forest, he meets a girl, Aisling, that appears to be a fairy child-like spirit of the forest who helps him find the berries. Brendan gathers some berries to take back, and learns to make the ink. As the months continue, he continues to venture into the forest and forms a friendship with Aisling. As the priest begins to let Brendan illustrate the book, Brendan begins to slack on his duties at the monastery.

I could easily go on and tell you the rest of the plot, as I have already basically lain out the entire first quarter of the film right there, but I won't. It isn't a terribly exciting, thrilling, or enthralling, or even an epic movie to watch. It isn't emersing at all. The soundtrack helps at moments with its Irish songs, but it remains unimpressive. It seems to fit the mood right now. I am sleepy and not very interested in watching this apart from the beautiful animated imagery and yet it seems the perfect thing to glance over at on this lulling afternoon.

I am somewhat disappointed it was not more of a film, but maybe on a stormy summer evening when I am no longer pregnant, or a hot evening when I want to stay inside and occupy myself with a film that doesn't require my full attention and I am able to laze about comfortably, I will put this on and see it in a different light. Maybe right now my mind is elsewhere and this movie really is more impressive, and it only my attention span that is lacking. Perhaps on some later day, I will put this film on and remember it as one of the last few evenings of my pregnancy. I'm sure that's what will happen. I'm sure I will remember it in that light. And on that note, my dear readers, I hope you had as peaceful of a day as I did, and if you didn't, well.. I hope you are able to find a peaceful moment here and there to ease the chaos of everyday life. God knows we all need a moment of peace now and then with assurance that.....it's o.k. I will allow you to define what "it" is that is o.k. God bless my friends and see you on the other side.

Eat Pray Love

Good mid-morning ladies and gentlemen. The weather forecasters were mistaken again; we did not receive the anticipated ten inches of snow, more like four or five inches fell overnight: maybe. That is a comfort. I am pondering with myself how to pass the time once again. Being indisposed and pretty much useless doesn't leave me much to keep myself occupied. For once I don't have to sludge my way through the snow to work. I can stay warm and safe inside and just admire the snow drifts from a distance. I would like to write about something. I like to think too much when given the chance, and now I think is the time I will allow myself a moment of self indulgence.

Around the same time I discovered I was pregnant, I had begun reading the novel Eat Pray Love. The movie hadn't been released yet, and I didn't so much read through it as I did devour it and (very much like a cow and it's multiple stomachs) regurgitate it and swallow it again, absorbing the words like a sponge; pouring over the pages numerous times as if they contained recipes or spells of a grimmerie that if I could just memorize them, I would have a written pathway of survival. I would stare at the newly released cover with Julia Roberts' photo on the front enjoying gelato on a park bench in Italy, and it was like looking at the person I had recently found inside myself, except.... I could feel her slipping away, as every day more and more things slipped out of my control. Every day that passed, every chapter I got through I sensed my own recent discovery of myself getting away; and I somehow thought that maybe... Just maybe if I could cling to Elizabeth Gilbert's words and story, I could somehow hold onto my own story as well.... That maybe everything that was tilting backwards and falling out of my control and back into a dark place I didn't recognize would be a nightmare I could pull myself out of... That it was just a dark well I had fallen into, but if I had a hold on a rope leading out, I wouldn't slip any further into the darkness. I finished reading it once through and began to read it again. I actually ear-marked certain passages to be able to find them easily again to look over them.

I had just spent the last year on a journey of my own like Ms. Gilbert's. I had found my eating habits, I had found prayer, and I had found love... The passage where she is in Bali, but refrains from sleeping with Felipe was exactly me. She goes to bed alone, and wakes up in the middle of the night and makes a pound of buttered potatoes and prayers to her body to accept it instead of sex. The potatoes don't satisfy her, but waking up, she is glad she remained absent. Liz punctuates that women now not only must become our own husbands, but we must also be our own fathers: watching out for our own safety and knowing when to send ourselves to bed alone. I had done almost that exact thing for five almost six months: constantly telling myself to go to bed alone: protecting myself from the emotional baggage of everything I didn't need. And suddenly, I was pregnant, and everything I thought I had learned was changing and questioning all I had been through. I couldn't eat normally, I was sick and vomiting on a regular basis. I had had faith in a higher power, and suddenly I was angry at myself, because if I really was following a higher power, how did I end up in this situation.... And love..... I had found it only to realize ..... I don't know. It wasn't unconditional?..... I don't know... Everything I thought I had learned went out the window in the space of a few months. And here I am now. I felt as if my self-discovering journey had passed me by and I had wasted my time.... I felt I hadn't learned anything... I felt like you only get that journey once, and I had screwed it up. Royally.

I went and saw the movie by myself when it was in theaters. It was something I didn't want to share with anyone. I wasn't even sure how I would feel about seeing it... How I would take to it. I didn't want to leave the cinema and have someone ask me how I enjoyed it and tell me what they took away from it. I just wanted to go and experience it for myself. I remember sitting in the relative center of the theater, my pregnant stomach was starting to show, I was just beginning to sit uncomfortably; I had smuggled in a bottle of water in my purse, and I sat with my untouched popcorn, afraid of eating and feeling sick half-way through the movie. I believe I posted on facebook I was at the theater, just as the lights were dimming.

Have you ever seen a movie that makes you feel like you are with someone you are as familiar with as you are with yourself?... It feels like watching a sister or a best friend? Have you ever seen a movie like that? That's how it felt. I wasn't surprised by any of the plot, it was like seeing someone's journal on the big screen. There were moments that certain lines I had read over without comprehension from the novel, stood out as the crowning jewels larger than life in front of me. I sat watching it like sitting with an old friend over the kitchen table, just enjoying the lazy morning. The scene she sits and enjoys her makeshift breakfast on the floor, reminded me of my makeshift meals at home; the moment she says we rise from our ruins, I cried in understanding; the moment her friend from Texas leaves her alone on the roof till she can forgive herself, I felt like I was finally exhaling after holding my breath for so long.

Seeing the movie, I realized there isn't one specific time in your life you go on a journey to discover yourself; life is that constant journey. It is the cycle over and over again. The journey I went on before pregnancy, was just one part: one chapter: one location of my life. Pregnancy was just another journey. After pregnancy I will have a whole other journey to discover food, prayer, and, yes, love once again. I have faith.

Every beginning has an end: and every end has a beginning; life is a progression, not a carousel if you live it right- always spiraling forward, never being afraid to make mistakes. There are no mistakes in this life- there is what you do, and what you don't do.

Alice

I'm back! So much for Maltese Falcon or Avatar. I decided on Alice, the SciFi channel mini special. I am not a particular fan of the story of Alice in Wonderland, but this version I enjoyed. Maybe it has something to do with the SciFi channel. I also enjoyed the short series they made of the Wizard of Oz entitled the Tin Man. I like the futuristic feel to them. Inventive, original.... God knows we need some originality these days.

Well, this Alice is a live version that involves little Alice all grown up in today's modern times. She is a judo instructor and is dating a man, Jack. One evening he abruptly offers her a ring of engagement, scaring her into saying they are moving too quickly. He slips the engagement ring in her pocket and leaves. Alice finds the ring and chases after him outside to give it back where she sees Jack being kidnapped. Pursuing his kidnappers, she stumbles into a mirror that transports her to a futuristic wonderland of sorts. There the Red Queen has a casino that ensnares humans aka "oysters" and harvests their emotions to be sold to the people of wonderland, Jack is her son. He stole the ring of Wonderland that allows them to get into the human world to kidnap oysters for harvesting. Without the ring, the Red Queen is virtually powerless. Alice, not knowing any of this, stumbles her way into the kidnappers clutches, only to escape and blindly find her way to getting help. She happens upon the Mad Hatter, a gambling man of sorts, that has connections of value to help Alice find Jack and get back to the regular world.

There are moments during the plot that just when Alice thinks she can trust someone, she realizes they have an underlying plan that uses her as a pawn. She is constantly gyrating between trusting, questioning her trust, and questioning the people she is having to put her trust in; as well as, trusting her own decisions. It seems exhausting, and yet, that's what life is most of the time.

It isn't that I was impressed with the special effects of this movie or that the acting was anything spectacular. I think what I like most about this Alice is that is is modern and in the now. It is nicely adapted with an original twist to the plot and the scripting was well written. It poses a lot of thematic questions anyone can relate to;What woman hasn't stumbled into a situation that she has no idea what's going on or who anyone really is? What woman hasn't found that the people she trusted had hidden agendas? What woman hasn't had to stand up for herself and not let anyone take advantage of her, even though it may break her heart?

I enjoy the simplicity of these questions. That is a word I use a lot. Simple, in all it's forms, is a beautiful word, and an even better thing to have. Make seemingly difficult things simple in your mind. There is beauty in simplicity. Nothing is too hard to achieve, as Alice comes to learn. You can find truth if you're strong enough to seek it and accept it as truth once you find it. And you can find your way home as long as you're willing to make the journey to get there. It's never as easy as clicking your heels together three times and making a wish. ...At least not in my experience... But what do I know? I'm just a twenty-two year old blogging about her life alongside movies as she stumbles through Wonderland or Oz, or whatever the heck this life is called. I think there are some lessons Alice has to teach us, we haven't even thought about yet, till now, as we explore wonderland with a new outlook.

Considering Avatar

Here it is a Friday afternoon, errands have been accomplished, rest has been somewhat accomplished; I am nesting comfortably as they say all pregnant women do in the last stages of being miserable. After having felt myself slip into the "organizing" mode, I can see why women do it: it is a way to cope with the uncomfortableness and the constant pain. So, I am merely here relaxing now, trying to do something productive in my time. I considered putting on Avatar, because my new blu-ray player has just been set up, but I don't feel committed to sitting for two hours; and besides, I'm about to eat lunch. However, it sounds like a good idea after lunch, maybe... I also have the Maltese Falcon with Humphrey Bogart.. That sounds tempting....

Well, here I leave you. I just wanted to say something plain, sweet, and simple. I will be back in a few, tucked in with a good movie I am sure. Take care all and God Bless.