Hope Springs..... Eternal

Good Early Morning my loves, it is the "madrugada" as they say in Spanish. I am awake and just thinking, about cycles that we go through and cycles of the year, cycles of emotions, cycles, cycles, cycles.. Around and around in my head.  

I had begun to watch this movie Hope Springs with Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, and Steve Carrel with my grandparents a few weeks ago. It is about a married couple that have been married for thirty plus years, and the wife realizes she needs more from their relationship, she wants intimacy again, something they lost somewhere along the road. Meryl plays the wife, Kay, Jones is the cantankerous husband, and Carrel is the therapist.  I didn't get to finish watching it with my grandparents,  but I knew I had to see how it ended, so I purchased it, and having now laughed and cried to Hope Springs in the madrugada. 

I am always thinking about the same topics it seems, just from different new angles, re-evaluating how I understand something. Sometimes that gets me in trouble, because I drift away from the true foundation understandings of certain things that really don't require any further verification or definition. I am getting better at not doing that: a lot of that I now know is stemming from trust issues.... I have a hard time trusting.. Pretty much anything and everything, and unfortunately everyone. In some ways, it is a good safety mechanism to protect myself [probably the very reason the issue manifested within me: self preservation]... But, in other ways, not being able to trust cripples me, horribly.   

  I have learned that when you finally find people that love you, and you love them back, you Must trust them: you must commit that to them; because, I guarantee there will be times you go through different experiences and you may not understand exactly the choices your loved ones are making, but you Must trust them to know that while you may not "understand" completely, you do know they love you, and you love each other, and you know they would never do anything to hurt you. 

 

I am going to leave you with the therapists closing monologue that talks about marriage, but just makes me think about how what he says just applies to life in general; and how when you set out to do something because it's the right thing and you have love driving you on.. You have only wonderful things to look forward to. I think about how for so long I was tied down to the life I had, and it wasn't till I moved to Texas and decided to marry and commit to the life I wanted for myself that  I really started living a life I can be proud of. Before, the relationship between me and my life was like one of the couples that never should have gotten married, I did things based on emotional decisions and none of them worked out.  The last thing Steve Carrel says is so true, and I am going to remind myself of it whenever I feel like giving up. 

 "I have patients who never should have gotten married..and you are not those people.. Even great marriages have terrible years. So bad that you're tempted to just give up. But don't. Hold on. There will come a time when you will look back at this moment as the prelude to something fuller and richer than you've ever dreamed."

That being said, I hope you are able to sleep well my dears and live the life you want. I hope so many good things to those that seek the better life. Hold on. There are always just bumps in the road, none of them have been in vain. Good morning my darlings and to all a beautiful day. 

Young Frankenstien & Lemons

It has been a long few weeks for me, one of the reasons being I decided to take my own dad's advice and get rid of all my bad memories. Unfortunately, a lot of those are connected with my extensive dvd collection.



Due to my conviction, however, I have boxed up so many at a time and gone and sold them for a pathetically low price that hopefully someone else will appreciate and be able to take them home and enjoy. I am making a list of the ones I want to get again, just on blu-ray and not on dvd.
It feels so ridiculous that material objects can remind us so much of certain moments in our lives. I remember when Park Meadows mall first opened and my family went to see it, I had an old dime copy of the hobbit, with a mustard colored sheaf. Whenever I look at that book I can still remember hopping out of the car, trying to stuff into my blue shoulder purse and telling my dad, my favorite chapter was where Bilbo is overhearing the trolls talking about mutton stew.
Show me a movie and I'll tell you another memory entwined with it.
I am trying to start fresh with certain things, I want to let them go and be able to say, "Ok, let's do this again."
Not to mention, I still have a few movies I have never seen and would like to investigate.
Dr. Frankenstien being one of them.


I watched it for the first time a few weeks ago and it being a "blah" day, merely sat in a vegetable state staring at it in a monotone thinking, "I don't get it, I don't really care.. Thank god I have drawing to keep me occupied while suffering through this.."


However, since then I have watched it twice more and there is something about it... that.. has grown on me.



I think I was so against it at first because it was different, and I have a hard time dealing with change. I have always struggled with change, so much that even when I started taking theater classes, the hardest part for me was improv games because I didn't know how to just let go, and... go with the flow. I have learned A LOT since those days, and now, after sitting and letting Dr. Frankenstein steep on the back burner of my mind, I am watching it now, and enjoying it.



I notice a difference in growing accustomed to things you choose to change in your life and things that are just thrown on you that you have to just accustumbrate yourself to. The former is of your own will and desire, and with patience can be accomplished and enjoyed or moved on from. But something that is just thrown at you and you have to bite the bullet and just deal with... It has to be learned to love. Things that are thrown at us in life, I like to call those lemons.



I have learned to love them, but I will never settle for them. I don't ever want to settle for a lemon, I want to end up with something I looked for and that I can tell myself, "This is what life handed me, but this is what I want.." And go.....


I wish the same for you all as well. I wish that despite the lemons strewn across your path in life, you are able to look past them and still be able to search out the things you want and go after them.