Wednesday, January 29, 2014


So, let me start this off by saying Ted, is my "Eat, Pray, Love" for this point in my life. ....  And maybe that sounds like a weird thing to say, but let me explain.....

Up till now I have put off seeing this movie Ted, because I knew the summary was, "can a guy grow up past his childhood teddy bear and become a man?..." and .. I wasn't ready to confront that question. Movies really affect me and oddly enough I almost feel superstitious about them... like the ones I end up watching are trying to tell me something and having confessed that, I didn't want to watch this movie and have it warp me. I didn't want to watch it and it have some wimpy "feel good" ending that was out of touch with the harsh reality of life I am familiar with.. But on the other hand, I didn't want it to have some jaded "pessimistic" ending either...... Seriously.... I need .. I needed and I need something in the middle.... Yes, there is harsh reality in life, but there are feel good moments too.. and up to this point in my life, it has only been either one far end of the spectrum or the other, either too "happy go lucky" or just "horrible."... But there has been one moment in my life that wasn't extreme polar opposites and it was something that just snuck up on me and ..ever since  then I've been trying to find my balance again;  I fell in love. Not infatuation. Not obsession. Not a love affair, that "i love you" was unspoken and realized until too late..... No, I fell in real love... The kind of love,  you tell them every chance you get; the kind of love you show up just to surprise them; the kind of love you let them go; the kind of love where you don't have to explain yourself.... The kind of love that it doesn't matter what you could possibly say or do, you will still love that other person.
How does one recover some such wonder? There is no recovering. And afterwards I have been struggling between the old me, the girl used to only highs and lows, and becoming the woman that is confident and not teetering on the edge constantly. I have just felt like a pin ball bouncing back and forth from pessimism back to optimism.... and talking with a counselor, she told me I'm not the only one who goes through this. Lots of people think if life doesn't hand them exactly "this and this and this" well, then they bounce back to the opposite end of the spectrum... I
don't know..

So, I finally watched this movie. Ted. By myself. and it was exactly what I needed. a happy medium in-between.
Ted is a teddy bear given as a gift to a friendless little boy. The little boy makes a wish that they would be friends forever, and the bear comes to life and remains his best friend as he grows up into adulthood.
The whole movie is everyone trying to find that "somewhere in-between place."
The boy/man played by Mark Walberg is trying to find balance between still being a little kid and being the man who loves his girlfriend.
The girlfriend is trying to find what makes her happy despite everyone else's opinion of her life and at the same time figuring out what she isn't willing to live with.
And Ted, is trying to figure out where he belongs in the picture and even wonders if he belongs in the picture at all anymore.

 Every single one of them does the pin ball action.

The boy/man decides it's either Ted or his girlfriend...
The girlfriend decides it's either her or Ted,
 and Ted decides, it's either himself or the girlfriend...

All their similar decisions all add up to, choosing one over the other...

But that's so extreme. ....
Working through all the issues, the guy realizes he does love his girlfriend and wants to take responsibility and marry her,
Ted realizes he still needs to be in the guys life, but as a better supportive friend, and
the girlfriend realizes she loves the guy for who he is, and while she doesn't just want to be friends, she realizes the friendship her boyfriend has with Ted is a part of who the man she loves is, and she doesn't want that part of the man she loves to go away... if Ted went away, her boyfriend wouldn't be the same person she loved in the first place........  

So, they all find a realistic happy, but not perfect, medium that works for them
(notice I said works for them... not everyone else... they found the solution that works for them..)

And that is me, right now... I know what I want, and everything else is just a part of it that will work itself all into place as long as I do what's right for me, because when I do what's right for me, the people that matter around me will do what's right for themselves and it will all fall into place.... And it will just work in it's happy-medium/but-not-perfect sort of way...

I heard this thing once that at the time I didn't quite understand, but now makes perfect sense.

"We are all just one small adjustment away from who we are meant to be."

At the time, I didn't understand... but now I do.
When one path reaches a "dead-end" I used to think my whole life had to go down an entirely different road; I thought I would have to go either right or left... I had to go either up or down.... But in reality, it isn't about finding "up" or "down..." It's about me finding what works, finding hidden passages, making stairs that change to where I need them to go, forging dirt roads and repaving old turn arounds and just taking mindful steps to where is right for myself and letting everything else fall into place.. ...It's about finding a comfortable balance between up and down, not Exact middle either, just a grey place in-between the black and white of this world; it's finding that grey area that if I hit it just right, I will find that silver lining that will shine through when I need it to.
I know now that silver linings are like butterflies.... I don't always see them, and trying to pin them down only kills them. But when I let them be free, the ones that are meant to be come back to alight on my shoulder when I least expect it. Silver linings are like rainbows, they're pointless to chase, I just have to have faith that if I pay attention, they'll be there after the rain has stopped.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Hello my dear fellow bloggers and readers and instagramers and anyone else who meanders through here; it is officially the new year of 2014, the Chinese year of the horse. I always like this feeling at the beginning of the new year, like a fresh new breeze is blowing through, almost like I can sense the new possibilities awaiting me in the coming year. I lived for so long in a rut, just staying the same.. But now I have a taste for change; it may not always be what I was expecting or be something I would ever ask for, but sometimes it ends up being better and more satisfying than anything I could have imagined or asked for in the first place.

I am back to taking myself to the movies alone. Of course it isn't as satisfying as it would be to go with someone else, but there are times in life I will be by myself and it is always a comfort to know I can be "alright" alone; I am not dependent on the presence of someone else for me to be "alright." *sigh* So, I took myself to see Frozen and despite there being much more singing than I anticipated, I enjoyed it. I don't know if I mentioned going and seeing it by myself, but I  guess I'll tell you again anyway.

I also went with my little cousin to go see the Secret Life of Walter Mitty with Ben Stiller, and I absolutely Adored it. Ben Stiller is the man as he merges into actually living an adventurous life rather than just day dreaming about it. In the midst of the movie you realize he was adventurous as a kid, but after the death of his father, he had to step up as the man of the family and take on the responsibility of earning a reliable income to take care of all the bills….. And finally as a grown man, he is learning when it's ok. to venture out of the guidelines and actually live life and not just hold back worrying "what if."
I am hoping to get to that point one day. I want to get to where I am established enough that when I want to go out and travel somewhere I can and not be worried that I am jeopardizing my other necessities.

This past year, I purged a lot of my old dvd's and sold them to clean out my old cluttered energy. Some of the movies that were still special to me I went and repurchased as blu-rays, but after looking at my repurchases, I realize how few I truly valued enough to re-buy…. And now that I am more choosy about what new things I buy, I see how I have changed…. I realize a lot of my old movies I owned were due to other people's suggestions and likes. I had a lot of films popular and liked by a lot of the people around me; pop culture faves, popular hits, etc.  Almost all of them now are no longer occupying space on my shelves…. I cleared them all out and they are gone. Looking at the ones that remain and now take up the space really create a clear picture of myself… None of these movies are movies that were influenced by other people, the movies on my shelf now are movies that I was curious about and went and looked for watched because I, Myself, wanted to see them, not because someone else told me they were good or great… The movies I own now are all my taste. Some of the old titles I owned resurfaced in the repurchase pile, but there are not very many. Looking at my new found personal taste, I realize none of the movies I watch are necessarily the movies with great box office reviews or backed by popular vote. I also realize I watch A Lot of kids movies. I have to wonder if I'm learning to be a kid I never really got to be, and if I am, I really believe it's helping me to be a better adult. At least I hope it is, I'd like to believe it's helping me be more compassionate and understanding and not as pessimistic of others around me, because I'm allowing myself to be that way towards my own self.
The newest addition to my shelf was the 80's pop culture hit of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It is a cheesy 80's film and simple and I love it.

That's another trait I have realized I love about anything, that doesn't even necessarily apply to movies, but to life in general as well; I love simple things, I don't need anything big or flashy or the hottest name brand, I just like what I like and it's usually simple and plain and with that I am content. How lucky am I to be able to know what I like and to be content with that?… I wish all the same for you, my dear reader. Have a beautiful day, look up and appreciate the blue sky or the clouds you see today when you do.

with much affection,
Read Riding Hood