It is a grey and cloudy day today here in Texas. I am still jet-lagged from driving back from Aurora in one day. Perhaps that is why I am in a grey mood as well. Anyway. I went and sat by my river, not even the flies could drive me away until a crowd of a family showed up and decided to sit by the river as well. Then I just packed up to go home.
In the recent past I was introduced to a show called Weeds. Main phrases I was familiar with using the plural term "weeds" was in food service and gardening. With food, "in the weeds" means it's lunch or dinner time, crazy busy- you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off. In gardening, weeds are ... well, weeds. Usually annoying, a pain in the butt, and usually there's too many of them, weeds are not helpful. I had heard the phrase though, "you can look at dandelions and think 'weeds' or 'wishes...'"... Hmmmm..... anyway. So that was my "experience" with the word "weeds." Now(!) if we were talking about the singular term of the word "weed," well, duh, I only think of one thing: mary jane. Duh. Who. doesn't? You don't?.. Well, let me educate you: weed means a drug you smoke to get high. Now that That's out of the way.
I started watching Weeds and for as kooky and bizarre as this show is about a widow becoming a big time weed hustler, runner, and boss..... It's not far from the actual truth how "IT aka Weeds" really is... Even the drama of it all. Why do I watch this I ask myself.. (yes, I ask myself a lot of things.) And maybe it's because I am attracted to the danger of it, the quick-easy money idea, who wouldn't like something quick and easy?...But that's one of the realistic things about this show, it also shows you that it's not JUST quick, easy money. You also get shot at, physically attacked, and can be arrested and not just taken to jail, but to prison. I also like that they chose a widowed house wife trying to raise two children as the main character. I like that the script and plot is well written with sarcastic humor, gotta love sarcasm. But what I mostly like is being able to watch it have it remind me of things (NOT drug related) but in general that I did as a younger person to try out or that I did to "learn" about or just to "survive." I think about lifestyles I was born into, lifestyles I took on, and lifestyles I discarded. I tried certain styles on and some I made work for a while before finding something better, and then there were some I kept because they fit me and worked for me. I had to find the lifestyle that worked for me. I used to be stuck thinking I had to deal with the lifestyle I was in, until one day I woke up and realized I was an adult: free to make my own life. And one day my children will be adults. And I realized I want them to do what's right and healthy for them also so they have a fighting chance at happiness. And I can Only have them realize that by setting the example of doing what's right for me, without abandoning them. My friend told me, "if you aren't happy, they won't be happy." So I asked myself what makes me happy.
1. Being free to live life how I want.
2. Knowing I have that freedom and not having to sacrifice my children's lives as well
There are parents I know that would argue both those things aren't always possible, but I'm proof they are possible. I'm not a "religious" person, but I had the love, prayer and support of my family to come to the realization that if you line out EXACTLY what you want from life, there are ways to make it all work. And if you've ever accomplished that without anyone's support, well.. Then you are a stronger person than I am. It's scary, intimidating and at times hurtful, but it's just a part of the process.
My life was completely different a year ago. In one year, I have changed cities and states, I have changed living situations, and work situations, and even home life situations and my mental attitude. How? By making a list of realistic things I want and don't want and most of all being Painfully Honest with myself: acknowleding my emotions and feelings but regarding them critically; recognizing my character as a whole, my good and bad attributes, my pride, my motivation and whether it is the "right" motivation and taking a hard long look at the big picture.
It's difficult and complicated to say the least. But do-able if it's want you want. And I wouldn't say that I agree slinging weed is the right choice for paying the bills, but it is morbidly humorous to watch on occasion.
Everything will be o.k.
I have faith.
With Care and Hope always,
Read Riding Hood
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I am setting up my iTunes and getting all my gadgets synced and flowing together and I came across Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog. If you haven't seen it or heard of it, it is about a villain trying to earn infamy. He has a video blog that he updates with his struggles and attempts to become the ultimate evil bad guy status. But aside from his career aspirations, he is also hopelessly and head-over-heels in love with a girl he runs into at the laundry meet on a weekly basis. Unfortunately the girl ends up going out with his arch-nemesis, the Good Guy. From there the plot progresses.
The whole video itself is also a musical. If musicals aren't your thing, you probably won't enjoy this, but any theater buff can truly enjoy this. The lyrics are quirky, fresh, and original. The growth and climax of the characters actually is emotionally involving and I find myself every time rooting for Dr. Horrible. It's ridiculous how addicting this mini episode/sing-a-long/blog/hooby-shooby-el-whatty is.
I seem to be revolving around media subjects that are projecting the same theme question of how do we define "evil/bad/wicked?" I am also currently reading Wicked by Gregory Maguire, and if you aren't familiar with that either, it is the story behind the wicked witch of the west and how she ended up melted by Dorothy.
Wicked and Dr. Horrible's stories both end tragically. But there's always more history, maybe not for Dr. Horrible, but the Gregory Macguire series follows with three more novels bringing tragedy to a hopeful close.
It reminds me of those info-mercials trying to sell you things that always add the line, "But Wait!!! There's More!!"
There is always more to a story. There is always hope.
Have a Lovely Day everyone, the Beautiful World is Always there Waiting for you to open your door and go out into it and enjoy it.
Read Riding Hood.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Here I am dear fellow bloggers, readers, and stalkers. I am seated at an old comfortable hang out: Barnes & Noble. Leg crossed, iPad balanced across knee, Starbucks refresher within reach, book my cousin gave me a few days ago at my side, I feel comfortable. I feel at peace in this moment. I was always safe here (at Barnes.) I now feel like that somewhere else: in a river with my feet dangling in the rain gorged current. I actually can't wait to get back to it.
I saw the dvd Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason sitting atop a relative's tv cabinet and it put me to thinking. She sets out to take care of herself and doesn't settle for less than what she wants, and along the way, her standards are raised higher. For anyone that hasn't seen it, it is a movie about a middle aged British woman seeking success and love and bumbling her way through life fantastically. When life gives Bridget Jones lemons, she puckers up and just sucks on 'em or cuts up lemon wedges for a drink, or she might just chuck them in the trash, you just are never quite sure with her.
I usually feel like I'm on the edge of reason. Who doesn't?... It's a crazy busy world, and one of our important jobs that a lot of us ignore is slowing down enough to have time to do the things that relax us and make us happy. We are born and bred into a society that we have to push ourselves to work until we drop, and then just get back up and keep doing it till we drop again... and again.. until we die. It's important to stop and smell the roses, or the coffee, or both, or whatever strikes your fancy. Some people have to work hard to find even a few minutes to take care of themselves; most people don't have the luxury of saying, "I work so that I can afford my living costs and the ability to be able to go do what I Really want to be doing with my time." I am lucky enough to say, I go to work, I do my job and I leave, and I get paid; and in my off time I am able to just do what I want to do.
I think of how I got to take a crazy roadtrip with my dog at my side and just listen to the silence of the road. I got to finally drive back into my old city and feel my old memories and just cry from sensing the gentle probing tendrils one's environment wraps around memories like ivy vines. I was able to finally let myself remember what it felt like a year and a half ago when I was so heartbroken and empty, and I finally was able to cry for the woman I was at that time. It felt so good to just let all my walls of protection down and just let my history wash over me like a rain storm. I got to get my transmission fixed today and tomorrow I get to go the the Renaissance festival, and I get to just relax and just breathe. I get so caught up in thought, I almost turn blue from just holding my breathe.
So, hold onto yourselves my dears. Don't forget what you like doing in your free time. We are all individuals with different hobbies, we deserve to have time to enjoy them. Even if it's smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish (like Bridget Jones..) don't forget to make yourself stop and just bask in it for a second or two.
Drowsy and ready to get a good night's sleep,
Read Riding Hood
I wish you all a Happy Weekend!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iSoul
Good Morning Dear World. I am slightly crazy and on a whim picked myself up and drove myself to where I was born.
Think 933 miles or so. I am here now. I hadn't planned on seeing the latest Batman movie when it first comes out, but I sure am hearing a lot of talk about it. And I recently started a piece of art on the former joker, and a line of his popped into my head.
"It's All A Part Of The Plan...."
I just heard about the midnight shooting at the premier of Batman. My heart is breaking; for all those families, for all those men and women and children... I am reminded of all the sadness I grew up with and left here. It really has nothing to do with the shooting, but the shooting itself brought up my own loss and sadness and once again, I am reminded of why I left Aurora. Anyone that has loved and lost, can understand how different situations can conjure up similar emotions from baggage and history. I am seriously waxing sentimental here, and I always was better at writing people love letters, than I ever was just talking to them... until recently, when I found the words (but that is another story for another day.) And right now, I want to write a love letter to Aurora, the woman that took care of me so long, but isn't compatible with me any longer.
I will always love you, you were my first companion and partner. But I am not happy with you. I was born into you, you were my fate. But my destiny lies else where. I stayed with you so long.... I thought you were forever. But, I've had a taste of another place, and I can't live with you any longer. And I know you do not have the strength to let me go, so I will take it upon myself to let go of you first so we both can begin our separate journeys to happiness now. I will stand up and be the example and do this the right way. We are not growing anymore, only staying stagnant. You got me started and I would not be the person I am today without you, and I thank you for that. I know separation hurts, and you are entitled to being bitter and resentful at me, but I hope you can try to see that I am trying to remain truthful and be honest. I know that if I am not honest now, it will only come back to hurt us later, and I would rather hurt now, and not later. So, know that I understand if you are angry and want to lash out at me in hurt and frustration. I understand why you are lashing out, but this is for the best. You don't deserve someone that would just stay with you out of pity and sentiment. You deserve someone that is with you because you love each other. I do not feel that love with you anymore, I have respect and a place for you in my heart always, but that is all I have to give. And you shouldn't accept/settle for that as enough. Never settle for less than love. I am writing from my heart as always. I would never give less than the blood in my veins, and writing is only opening veins and bleeding onto a page. I hope you can believe me, if not today, some day soon. I never thought we would be here, but we are and if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will look at it for you and tell you about it. I promise you it's there, we won't stay on the bottom, we only have up to go from here. Believe me. There is a better world out there, with love and hope and a larger sky than we ever imagined.
Sincerely and always with veritas,
With that my loves, I will sign off, I have bled all I can bleed today.
Do not ever forget to look for the beauty in the world.
It is there, even when all we can see is the evil.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iSoul
Location:Aurora, United States
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Good morning everyone, I still cannot possibly get this story out of my mind. I even took my two cousins to go see Brave yesterday. Why?.. I actually am asking myself why I feel so attached to this film. And after watching it yesterday, I have another answer apart from the one I had yesterday. I think I could go on finding reasons I am attached, but that is beside the point.
At the beginning Merida is talking about how some believe fate and destiny is connected through us through the land; how they are weaved together like a tapestry; how it lives in us and how some of us set out to control it.
I have come to realize there are choices we make that lead us to our destiny and to our fate, and there are things we keep running into that we feel we cannot escape from and can't get past. And I have come to realize those are the things that are our fate: the things we keep running into. Fate is a vicious cycle, because it is usually the things that we have come to know day in and day out, every year, sometimes our whole lives: it is all we know, and either we blindly accept it as our destiny; we feel the need to change it, but don't know how or are too scared to; or we recognize the cycle for what it is and realize we are bigger than the cycle and can be better than it and rise out of it. Fate is what it is, fate is the land. But destiny is in us: Destiny is our Very Own Selves: destiny is you and me as individuals deciding how we react to our fate, whether we continue following it in repetitive circles, or whether we break free of it and weave something new.
I'm twenty-three years old and I have managed to survive three monumentally difficult events in my life so far. And it made me realize something important for my life as well; everyone can give you advice, but only you can make the decisions for your life; you have to forget and forgive yourself of your past, and only think of this moment and where you stand and where you want to see yourself end up; you have to take each step yourself, and with each step evaluate it: ask yourself, "O.k. in that moment, I had to do 'this..' and now I am here, and (a) that worked I'm going to keep moving in 'this' direction or (b) that didn't turn out as I expected, I need to move in 'that' other direction now." Sometimes we only know the right way to go by living each moment and taking things step by step, emotion by emotion, knowing who we are, what we can and can't live with and paying the price for being alive. I tell myself every day when between a rock and hard place, that I have to choose the decision that keeps me fighting. Because the day I choose the option that kills me inside or makes me an angry, bitter, or evil person, there is no point to living. I might as well be dead, if I have no fight in me; if I give in to "the dark side..;"if I am slowly killing myself inside.
Everyone deserves happiness. You, me, everyone. They also deserve the truth no matter how difficult and painful. Without truth we cannot reach happiness.
I am in a very melancholy mood, my loves, and my head feels fuzzy, so I will let you go and hope you get to see the boy and his father and grandfather sweeping up stars on the moon tonight.
As Always with sincerity,
Read Riding Hood
- Posted using BlogPress from my iSoul
Monday, July 16, 2012
Hello my fellow bloggers, I hope you find yourselves enjoying this afternoon whether it is sunny, raining, or cold wherever you are. It is sunny and on the verge of being stifling hot. I doggedly tap away on my keyboard just because I know I am going to talk from my heart, and talking from the heart requires courage, and I have used up so much right now, and yet, I know it is required of me to continue using it until further notice. The summer heat supplies such wonderfully natural happy endorphins, and yet at a scorching price to be payed: getting sunburnt. *sigh* I rhetorically ask myself, "What can one do?" However, I was able to see the recent Pixar movie Brave on the weekend it came out and I have been bursting to talk to about it.
The short film at the beginning is my favorite Pixar short film ever, no doubt whatsoever. It is about three generations, a grandfather, father, and son that row out in a little dingy every night, put up a ladder and climb up to the moon. On the moon is where falling stars land and is where they sweep/rake up as many stars to give the moon its phases. The film encompasses the night the grandfather and father take the son/grandson up to the moon for the first time to teach him the family tradition. It is a beautiful and touching excerpt about learning the tradition we are born with to build yourself a foundation and then venturing out and finding your own way to build and expand tradition so that with each generation it evolves and betters itself, by learning from mistakes and each person recognizing the difference of individuals. It touched me, and quite honestly a day doesn't go by now, that I don't think about the moon and look forward to seeing just so that I can imagine them up there having cleaned up fallen stars. Looking, as always, for the irony in life, I smile realizing my Nana loves her hot tub and atrium so she can look up at that "beautiful moon" and now I love it too; funny how those things work out.
I do not want to give away too many spoilers about Brave.... Skimming over what I summarized about the mini film, I realize that if Brave was a paper, the mini film is the beginning paragraph of that paper; it is the suggestive beginning of the feature films theme. So, I will tick off the main things about Brave that stood out to me.
1. Born into privilege/gifts requires great responsibility.
2. Tradition is a foundation, but only a foundation. A foundation does not build a house. Individuals build houses.
3. We are not our parents, and we are not our parent's mistakes. Coming of age happens at different ages for everyone, but once we do, we are not children anymore. We are adults. We are individuals. Free of our parents pasts, only responsible for our own history that we have created and only responsible for our stories that are not reflections of our parents history. We are born with this strange sense that we are born into living out and correcting our parents lives and where they went wrong. But that sense is misleading, because we are all born with our own destinies free of what our parents were and where they came from.
4. With Freedom, we are required to adorn our characters with diplomacy, humility, and integrity, for without these siblings, freedom would be boastful, hardly recognizble and scorned.
And this last thing is what I have most learned my darlings, long before I ever saw this movie, but was so readily reminded of after seeing this. Always remember, it isn't being brave, if you aren't scared. Figure out what you need. And learn how to ask for it. Never forget those things.
As always, my darlings, I sign off with much affection and I hope you are able to enjoy sweet summer and all of her fickle lazy moods. I know I am and my skin is my witness.
Read Riding Hood.