Weeds

It is a grey and cloudy day today here in Texas. I am still jet-lagged from driving back from Aurora in one day. Perhaps that is why I am in a grey mood as well. Anyway. I went and sat by my river, not even the flies could drive me away until a crowd of a family showed up and decided to sit by the river as well. Then I just packed up to go home.
In the recent past I was introduced to a show called Weeds. Main phrases I was familiar with using the plural term "weeds" was in food service and gardening. With food, "in the weeds" means it's lunch or dinner time, crazy busy- you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off. In gardening, weeds are ... well, weeds. Usually annoying, a pain in the butt, and usually there's too many of them, weeds are not helpful. I had heard the phrase though, "you can look at dandelions and think 'weeds' or 'wishes...'"... Hmmmm..... anyway. So that was my "experience" with the word "weeds." Now(!) if we were talking about the singular term of the word "weed," well, duh, I only think of one thing: mary jane. Duh. Who. doesn't? You don't?.. Well, let me educate you: weed means a drug you smoke to get high. Now that That's out of the way.
I started watching Weeds and for as kooky and bizarre as this show is about a widow becoming a big time weed hustler, runner, and boss..... It's not far from the actual truth how "IT aka Weeds" really is... Even the drama of it all. Why do I watch this I ask myself.. (yes, I ask myself a lot of things.) And maybe it's because I am attracted to the danger of it, the quick-easy money idea, who wouldn't like something quick and easy?...But that's one of the realistic things about this show, it also shows you that it's not JUST quick, easy money. You also get shot at, physically attacked, and can be arrested and not just taken to jail, but to prison. I also like that they chose a widowed house wife trying to raise two children as the main character. I like that the script and plot is well written with sarcastic humor, gotta love sarcasm. But what I mostly like is being able to watch it have it remind me of things (NOT drug related) but in general that I did as a younger person to try out or that I did to "learn" about or just to "survive." I think about lifestyles I was born into, lifestyles I took on, and lifestyles I discarded. I tried certain styles on and some I made work for a while before finding something better, and then there were some I kept because they fit me and worked for me. I had to find the lifestyle that worked for me. I used to be stuck thinking I had to deal with the lifestyle I was in, until one day I woke up and realized I was an adult: free to make my own life. And one day my children will be adults. And I realized I want them to do what's right and healthy for them also so they have a fighting chance at happiness. And I can Only have them realize that by setting the example of doing what's right for me, without abandoning them. My friend told me, "if you aren't happy, they won't be happy." So I asked myself what makes me happy.

1. Being free to live life how I want.

2. Knowing I have that freedom and not having to sacrifice my children's lives as well

There are parents I know that would argue both those things aren't always possible, but I'm proof they are possible. I'm not a "religious" person, but I had the love, prayer and support of my family to come to the realization that if you line out EXACTLY what you want from life, there are ways to make it all work. And if you've ever accomplished that without anyone's support, well.. Then you are a stronger person than I am. It's scary, intimidating and at times hurtful, but it's just a part of the process.

My life was completely different a year ago. In one year, I have changed cities and states, I have changed living situations, and work situations, and even home life situations and my mental attitude. How? By making a list of realistic things I want and don't want and most of all being Painfully Honest with myself: acknowleding my emotions and feelings but regarding them critically; recognizing my character as a whole, my good and bad attributes, my pride, my motivation and whether it is the "right" motivation and taking a hard long look at the big picture.

It's difficult and complicated to say the least. But do-able if it's want you want. And I wouldn't say that I agree slinging weed is the right choice for paying the bills, but it is morbidly humorous to watch on occasion.

Everything will be o.k.

I have faith.

With Care and Hope always,

Read Riding Hood